ApolloHoax.net
Off Topic => General Discussion => Topic started by: Bryanpoprobson on December 13, 2014, 04:26:51 AM
-
1. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
2. To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
3. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
4. What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
5. The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
6. Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
7. Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting coefficient of friction. Interrupting coefficient of fri.... mmmuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (μ)
8. Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
9. An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
10. A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."
-
11. There are only 10 different types of people. The ones who understand binary, and the ones who don't.
12. Q. Why do software engineers get Christmas and Halloween confused? A. Because DEC25 = OCT31
-
1. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Or they (we, actually) say "I wanna fix it. Is it broke?"
-
1. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
It worked fine, but I took it apart anyway.
2. To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Nah, it simply has a healthy safety margin.
-
Old joke from around the computer shop:
Q: Why did Intel name their new processor Pentium?
A: Because "585.9999999999" wouldn't fit on the chip.
-
1. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Or they (we, actually) say "I wanna fix it. Is it broke?"
This is important. I do that a lot with my creations. I've always compared it more to George Lucas though. He must be an engineer.
-
It worked fine, but I took it apart anyway.
Sounds like the Navy.
Ranb
-
1. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Or they (we, actually) say "I wanna fix it. Is it broke?"
The Board of Trustees of a nearby University, decides to test the Professors, to see if they really know their stuff. First they take a Maths Prof. and put him in a room. Now, the room contains a table and three metal spheres about the size of softballs. They tell him to do whatever he want with the balls and the table in one hour. After an hour, he comes out and the Trustees look in and the balls are arranged in a triangle at the center of the table.
Next, they give the same test to a Physics Prof. After an hour, they look in, and the balls are stacked one on top of the other in the center of the table.
Finally, they give the test to an Engineering Prof. After an hour, they look in and one of the balls is broken, one is missing, and he's carrying the third out in his lunchbox.
-
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and
spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me,
can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man,
"How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
you've delayed my trip."
The man below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied
the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
-
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and
spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me,
can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man,
"How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
you've delayed my trip."
The man below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied
the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Bravo!
-
I can't decide who is more of an ass in that joke. :P
-
I can't decide who is more of an ass in that joke. :P
Two cheeks of the same ass.
-
Not an engineering joke, but then I am not an engineer, so....
Like most others we have been enjoying the craze for fancifully themed food trucks here. I ate other day at a place calling itself the "Zen Hotdog" truck. When it was my turn, I handed the owner a $10 bill and said, "Make me one with everything." He handed me the dog and turned to the next customer. As the food was only $5, I asked for my money. The guy gave me a look of calm patience and said, "Change must come from within."
-
Bryan, (and others), those were hilarious.
My son is an engineer and just got his Master's Degree a couple of days ago. I wanted to give him a link to this thread. Then I saw your joke about the woman in the hot air balloon, and wondered if I should give him that link after all. His degree is in Engineering Management!
-
Because DEC25 = OCT31
WOW!! That's true!
-
How do you tell an extroverted engineer?
They look at your shoes when the talk to you.
-
Talking of Engineers, I have gone back to telecommunications engineering, but I am learning the broadband and telephone installation side of the business, from the ground up. Now bearing in mind that 7 weeks ago I could hardly walk, look what the bar-stewards had me doing last Monday. :D
56 years of age and they have me climbing poles. :(
(http://i59.tinypic.com/15dqc9h.jpg)
-
Wife texts her husband at work on a cold winter's morning;
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back;
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later;
"Computer really f*#@*d now."
-
Good one. The "cold winter morning" part is important to the setup.
-
Most people in the UK know of Harry Enfield, for those in the US and other part of the world here is an example of his work. Hopefully the content is worldwide viewable, if not I will post another version of it. :)
-
"I've got a slug..."
I've heard that the Japanese language can be so ambiguous that there's an entire genre of comedy that works just like this, with all the dialogue interpretable in more than one way.
-
Most people in the UK know of Harry Enfield, for those in the US and other part of the world here is an example of his work. Hopefully the content is worldwide viewable, if not I will post another version of it. :)
It worked for me here in the US. Thanks, that was funny! :)
-
I did a controlled experiment, I stayed up all night to see where the Sun went, then it dawned on me. :)
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.......... I can't put it down..
When Chemist's die, do they Barium?
My doctor told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.
-
For some reason #8 in the top post woke up my somewhat nascent gender sensitivity. Well, yeah...the bike is the sensible choice for anyone not a heteronormative man with a malfunctioning moral compass. Assuming "Get this person some help" is not on the menu at all.
Recasting it leads to some interesting options, though, and possibly a deeper humor. Was the second speaker being catty, or also being obtusely practical when he/she said the clothes probably wouldn't fit?
-
2. To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
To the physicist, the glass is full it just has a liquid phase and a gaseous phase.
And while the rest were bickering the opportunist drank the rest.
Lurky
-
I should think the physicist would seal off the top of the glass, heat it above the critical temperature of the water inside, and say "what liquid phase?"
-
I should think the physicist would seal off the top of the glass, heat it above the critical temperature of the water inside, and say "what liquid phase?"
...or, the physicist puts the glass into a box that no one can see in, and then asks 'which half of the glass is full, the top half or the bottom half?'
This reminds me a little of Maxwell's demon. Did Maxwell touch upon the nature of quantum mechanics with his demon?