You need to know my mind is highly twisted and chaotic place. My head is at the whims of uncontrollable thoughts. At all times there are (created) voices and worlds hammering down on my senses. These usually come from shows, series, TV, games, conspiracy crap and other entertainment universes that keep playing in my imagination, even after I turned off the source. The characters and worlds continue to have their way with me and my own characters.
I am highly unstable emotionally.
At least I am not hallucinating my brain chimeras into the real world. But these amalgamations have made me being unable to focus on hobbies and work. The former being one of the few scapegoats. Music and photography calm me the most and allow me to focus.
Things can not go on like this.
My human psyche is, perhaps put quite literally, a mealstorm that is swallowing me. It has been getting worse. Perhaps my autism is finally reaching its crescendo. I am afraid medication will prove the best(only) solution out of this mess.
I've always had imaginative universes with beings in my head. I could stare into nothingness for hours, just imaging characters in different environments interacting with each other. Entire movie scenarios. I used to love this. One major outlet was roleplay with other people on websites. For as long as I can remember my presence on the internet, I engaged in this way with people.
But only when I wanted to, and I could stop the thoughts when I desired.
I think, about one and a half years ago, this has been happening without my consent. At all times, it feels like part of my concentration, mind and energy is being occupied by this. The last few months have been especially bad, sometimes I feel like my head is exploding, as I can no longer handle this omnipresent noise. I broke down a few times in tears, my colleagues were are getting annoyed because I can't focus and do my work right. Today has been the worst case. I had a good talk with some people from work, that helped.
Music and photography calm me the most, clear my mind allow me to focus.
