The Caretaker - Everywhere At The End Of Time - Exploring Dementia

[apollo16uvc]

Everywhere at the end of time' was a series exploring dementia through audio,
from its advancement to its totality. It was created over the course of 4 years.

STAGE 1:
Here we experience the first signs of memory loss. This stage is most like a beautiful daydream.
The glory of old age and recollection. The last of the great days.

00:00:00 - A1 - It's just a burning memory
00:03:31 - A2 - We don't have many days
00:07:02 - A3 - Late afternoon drifting
00:10:37 - A4 - Childishly fresh eyes
00:13:36 - A5 - Slightly bewildered
00:15:37 - A6 - Things that are beautiful and transient
00:20:12 - B1 - All that follows is true
00:23:43 - B2 - An autumnal equinox
00:26:31 - B3 - Quiet internal rebellions
00:30:02 - B4 - The loves of my entire life
00:34:06 - B5 - Into each others eyes
00:38:42 - B6 - My heart will stop in joy


STAGE 2:
The second stage is the self realisation and awareness that something is wrong with a refusal to accept that. More effort is made to remember so memories can be more long form with a little more deterioration in quality. The overall personal mood is generally lower than the first stage and at a point before confusion starts setting in.

00:00:00 - C1 - A losing battle is raging
00:05:03 - C2 - Misplaced in time
00:09:46 - C3 - What does it matter how my heart breaks
00:12:25 - C4 - Glimpses of hope in trying times
00:17:07 - C5 - Surrendering to despair
00:21:45 - D1 - I still feel as though I am me
00:25:53 - D2 - Quiet dusk coming early
00:29:30 - D3 - Last moments of pure recall
00:33:23 - D4 - Denial unravelling
00:37:39 - D5 - The away ahead feels lonely


STAGE 3:
Here we are presented with some of the last coherent memories before confusion fully rolls in and the grey mists form and fade away. Finest moments have been remembered, the musical flow in places is more confused and tangled. As we progress some singular memories become more disturbed, isolated, broken and distant. These are the last embers of awareness before we enter the post awareness stages.

00:00:00 - E1 - Back there Benjamin
00:04:15 - E2 - And heart breaks
00:08:19 - E3 - Hidden sea buried deep
00:09:40 - E4 - Libet's all joyful camaraderie
00:12:53 - E5 - To the minimal great hidden
00:14:34 - E6 - Sublime beyond loss
00:16:45 - E7 - Bewildered in others eyes
00:18:36 - E8 - Long term dusk glimpses
00:22:10 - F1 - Gradations of arms length
00:23:42 - F2 - Drifting time replaced
00:27:58 - F3 - Internal bewildered World
00:31:26 - F4 - Burning despair does ache
00:34:04 - F5 - Aching cavern without lucidity
00:35:23 - F6 - An empty bliss beyond this World
00:38:59 - F7 - Libet delay
00:42:56 - F8 - Mournful cameraderie


STAGE 4:
Post-Awareness Stage 4 is where serenity and the ability to recall singular memories gives way to confusions and horror. It's the beginning of an eventual process where all memories begin to become more fluid through entanglements, repetition and rupture.

00:00:00 - G1 - Stage 4 Post Awareness Confusions
00:22:09 - H1 - Stage 4 Post Awareness Confusions
00:44:02 - I1 -  Stage 4 Temporary Bliss State
01:05:03 - J1 - Stage 4 Post Awareness Confusions


STAGE 5:
Post-Awareness Stage 5 confusions and horror. More extreme entanglements, repetition and rupture can give way to calmer moments. The unfamiliar may sound and feel familiar.
Time is often spent only in the moment leading to isolation.

00:00:00 - K1 - Stage 5 Advanced plaque entanglements
00:22:36 - L1 - Stage 5 Advanced plaque entanglements
00:45:24 - M1 - Stage 5 Synapse retrogenesis
01:06:12 - N1 - Stage 5 Sudden time regression into isolation


STAGE 6:
Post-Awareness Stage 6 is without description.

00:00:00 - O1 - Stage 6 A confusion so thick you forget forgetting
00:21:53 - P1 - Stage 6 A brutal bliss beyond this empty defeat
00:43:29 - Q1 - Stage 6 Long decline is over
01:04:39 - R1 - Stage 6 Place in the World Fades away

[apollo16uvc]

This series is so weird and strange.... but I like that.
I like it when people try to do their own thing, something that has not really been tried before.
Not with this kind of detail and length. Every slowly progressing into the gray void... down to mere static.
So many tiny touches, details and moments of...

How the memories get increasingly more distorted, entangled, unrecognizable and incoherent. Eventually reaching loneliness, despair and... emptiness, nothing.
So depressing and sad...

Some of mine musings and that of others of the stages and accompanying tracks:


Stage 2:

The subject with Dementia has started to notice their symptoms,
and is in denial of it. The subject may be going through a bout of depression. They may forget how the got to the store or when they last took the dog for a walk. The subject may be confused about where they are.

Unlike the first album where the songs and names of the songs are relatively positive and focused, the second album's songs are more confused and darker. The songs end more abruptly or fade away. There's something different or off about the album. Two songs, in particular, I wanna talk about, and they are "What does it matter how my heart breaks" and "The way ahead feels so lonely".

For "What does it matter how my heart breaks", it's a reprise of Heartaches. This is the first major reappearance of the song and it won't be the last. It's a different version of the song by Seger Ellis. Because it's a different version, maybe some parts of that memory have been misremembered, though it is still very recognizable.

For  "The way ahead feels so lonely". it's a warped version of Paul Whiteman's "Sunset". The song is very somber and depressing. As the title suggests, the subject is scared of the future, and how long they have until they have forgotten everything they hold dear. They may be in denial, but they are well aware of there oncoming demise.

Stage 2 is darker and more confused. Though it's still easy to recognize what you're listening to, it's a bit harder. But it only gets worse from here. What's scary about this album is that you are aware of something that is killing you, and you can't control it.

In my opinion, this stage is the most depressing. Either the person refuses to accept the fact that they are developing signs of dementia, which is sad in a way the person can't understand, or the person accepts the fact that their mind is deteriorating, and that they can't do anything about it. Either way, they're still aware that something is off, and that is the saddest part to me. By part 4 they are already long gone, and while soul-crushing, they are beyond knowing what is happening to them.

Stage 3:
The echos and hanging notes all crashing into each other and fading out reminds me of how empty one's brain gets when they begin to lose their memories. faces disappear, locations fade out. suddenly, you can't remember your wedding day. your best friends, although you remember their names, have started to become a blur. it hits you when you realize you forgot how to play guitar.

It becomes a struggle to recall even the fondest memories as they get twisted and contorted.

The tune of "It's just a burning memory" in particular just keeps coming back, especially in this stage. It feels like desperation. The person has held onto this memory since the very start of the album, perhaps this one memory has coloured their entire life.

It feels like an important memory, yet every time we come back to reflect on it, it only seems hazier and more distorted. So we focus more and more on it, while it continues to elude our grasp, until in a final moment of vaguely coherent thought, our fondest memory is irreversibly blotted out by waves of confusion and emptiness. The memory- no, person, is gone.


Stage 4:

The Subject has entered the post-awareness stages. From here on out memories have little to no structure. They may need assistance with Activities of Daily Living or ALDs for short. They no longer have a concept of time or where they are.

You can barely remember that anything is wrong. You are losing your ability to coherently process thoughts. You forget the meaning of your own thoughts as soon as they start to shine. Are you still here?

From here on out each stage will have four sections for each stage. There is no more structure. By this point, we are so far gone from the first stage that it is unrecognizable. It's horrifying, you no longer recognize where you are and you can barely recognize your own family members. You can't make sense of anything.

The way the peaceful end of the album contrasts with the chaotic opening makes me think that "we've" stopped fighting our dementia, stopped trying to remember, and just resigned to it....


Stage 5:

The mind has lost its ability to process neural information in any coherent way, and the result is a cacophony of unfamiliar fragments of thought. There is no ability to make a conscious decision anymore. The only feeling left is a deep confusion. You are forgetting how to think.

The subject starts to forget family member's names, has difficulty speaking and communicating, and has bladder problems. What may seem familiar could be something new.

When Stage 5 starts it's very similar to Stage 4, but as it goes on it calms down. By the end, there's barely anything going on, maybe at this point, there's very little activity going on in the brain. There are times when the ballroom music comes back, but they're few and far between. You may have gotten used to the sea of incomprehensible blurs.

Stage 5 is the last stage with much of anything going on before it becomes mostly white noise and ambiance. What's terrifying about this is like what's scary about Stage 4, you can no longer understand what's going on.

3:56 a brief moment of bliss, before falling back into the abyss. It is a very slowed down and distorted sample of Dick Powell's "Was it a dream?"

There’s another temporary bliss state at 5:57. It also lasts 28.5 seconds.

If you listen very closely, you can hear an extremely faint part of "An Autumnal Equinox" from Stage 1 & 3 in the background.  Just before it dives back into a jumbled mess.

All moments of clarity in stage 5:

3:56 - 4:25
~ 6:00 - ~ 6:25
19:14 - 22:41
38:23,arguable as "very" clear
1:19:47


Stage 6:

Starts very similarly to Stage 5 where not much of anything is going on and it's mostly ambiance and white noise. That's how it is for nearly all of the album. The first section is called "A confusion so thick you forget you are forgetting", and by this point, you've forgotten everything.

Do you still exist? let alone have any memories at all. Perhaps you have already moved on and all left behind is a husk.

Moments of clarity are rarely more than a second, fleeting away almost immediately.
14:38
16:55
40:20
46:15
47:50,
55:57
1:02:28
1:03:48

1:19:57 You can hear people coughing and crying, and then a small music plays, something you can hear at a funeral.
Or maybe you have fallen down one last time.

The last few minutes as a last memory, or last moment of lucidity. At last the end of the line for the sufferer- and a choir of angels welcoming them home.